Enter ALI,. Thats right. ALI: Artie. Looks around. Rubs hands together We got the place to ourselves. It sucks! ALI: What about Becky? I tell ya. Shes very nice. ALI: Its nothing, Cyr.

Just some type-A males venting about you know what. ALI: Ooooh, struck a nerve. The fix is on. Game over, man. ALI: Can we move on and just cut the cards?

Long silence. Cyril is having a wolfhound moment, his mind off in space somewhere Cut! Uh Cyr. Cyril cuts. Artie grabs deck and deals That was a nice kid. A real nice little kid.

With a pretty mom. They both had real nice smiles. I wouldda been so. What am I thinking? They play cards as they talk Cyril: Of whom are we speaking? ALI: Always blaming the female.

Cherchez La Femme. The mom and the little kid. You wanna know what happened? Ill tell you what happened! They were passing my cage and I went to my sit position just like I practiced a million times.

You know, butt down, head up, eyes alert. I could tell the little boy was impressed. I even tilted my head so I could give him a really intelligent smile.

And then you know what Becky does? She wiggles her tush. Jumps around going Yap, yap, yap Crouches down on all fours. Rolls over.

And her tongue is goin a thousand miles a minute. You cant compete with that! I tell you. Chicks get all the breaks. Did they stop and. ALI: It is such a double standard around here.

Were supposed to be attractive, but when a male wants to strut his stuff, were supposed to back away and be invisible. Wheres the justice? Just a chance. I know I would. Please take me home for Christmas.

Im Artie. Try me. Relax, Artie. Being the dog at someones house is a wonderfully unique experience. It was like that for me when I lived with Miss Rosa. What a wonderful woman. You see?

Even Cyril had a shot. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with this picture? Arties a pug. ALI: Pugs always whine. Will you two cut it out!?

Arties got five days and if he doesnt find a home, theyre gonna. Runs finger across throat in a slashing motion. The key is, dont upset him. Hey, Cyril! ALI flashes a big smile Yes, Artie. Just for the record.

They play cards. I am relaxed. I am relaxed! Very relaxed! Extremely relaxed! Im just trying to understand some stuff, OK? Just trying to get some clarification.

Youre pissed. I am not pissed! Dont try and psychoanalyze me, OK? Dont tell him, Cyril. ALI: Hey! I thought this was gonna be a friendly card game. Anyone wanna play cards? ALI: Dont you just love how decisive males are?

Screw it. Im really dont want you to be mad at me. Uh, Artie. Its OK. And the details behind the details. Whered Miss Rosa find you? Oh, ha ha. Say what? Walked in? Sad to say. The next.

Are you talking about Miss Rosa? No children. Dual income, no kids. And they were away all day. They fought all the time and the woman would drink and kick me. To make a long story short, Christmas Day they were both home.

They put me in the car and we went for a ride out on the country roads and - BRICK: And they threw him out of the car. ALI: Shivers That happened to me, too.

They didnt throw him out. They pushed him out. Then they drove off. Guess Ill. And there were chickens in the yard and two skinny cats who hissed at me and a big tom turkey and there was Miss Rosa tossing seeds to the chickens and the turkey.

And she turned to me and she said, Merry Christmas, big fella. You look hungry. She went inside and came back out with the biggest soup bone I ever saw in my life.

She never kicked me. She never scolded me. She always said, Good boy. Good dog. ALI: My female intuition is kicking in. Takes a hanky, dabs her eyes I know this is gonna have a sad ending.

So what happened? I was pregnant. I heard the cats in the kitchen. I knew something wasnt right. I walked in and I saw her there on the floor.

The cats already knew she was gone. They were hissing and growling. I told them I was sorry. They rubbed against me and told me they were sorry too. That was the only time those cats ever spoke to me.

ALI: Sobbing That is so sad. I loved her. Tears well up She was a saint. Long reflective silence. Good to dogs. Good to birds. Good to ALI continues to. I have no doubt shes up there looking down on us right now.

You know. Just like there are virtuous humans. And virtuous cows. Youre a shoo-in. Mix in some threatening phone calls and a missing hand.

Stir well. A December morning. Downtown Fargo. Were in the parking lot of a blownup 7-Eleven. Yellow Police Line Keep Out tape. Shes picking up bits of debris, examining each bit, then depositing it in a garbage bag.

A pouch hangs from her belt. She hums Jingle Bells. Her humming is slow and somber. She senses someones watching. Marty Dean. You should consider yourself very, very lucky. Thats me.

Lucky Louise. Lucky Louise, despite I never won a MegaBucks jackpot. Never even won a piddly little Daily Scratcher. First 7-Eleven explosion ever in Fargo.

First 7-Eleven explosion anywhere in North Dakota for that matter. Christmas for me without a job. Seeing as how we got ten days till Christmas, I just dont see the store standing tall in time for a visit from Santa.

That is very wrong. He shouldda notified you right away. Youre a key person, valued employee. You know where all the stuff is. What with all the stuff scattered in the parking lot.

I saw on Eyewitness News where Abdul said he was looking for volunteers to help clean up. You know what the commercial says. Like a good neighbor. Abduls cleanup was yesterday.

Abduls got thousands of customers. Dont exaggerate. Im saying you this cause youre a regular. He crosses his heart. Well, I like it. Some people connect Abdul to the World Trade Center. One lady said, How do we know he wasnt making bombs back there?

Maybe the explosion was a bomb that went off by accident. He wasnt making bombs. Was he? But some people assumed. Makes you wonder what you gotta do to be an American around here when you got people assuming stuff about you.

Assuming because of your name, you got all these crazy ideas. Where is he anyway? He came here just after, looked around, said he needed help.

Then he skedaddled. Personally, I think hes lying low till the dust clears. Leaving the scene of. Or something.

If your RV blew up and set some cars on fire and knocked down a power line, wouldnt you make yourself scarce for a while? Guess I would. Abduls doing the right thing.

You can always come in later, say you had a concussion and wandered in the woods till your memory came back. She makes like getting ready to go back to work picking up debris.

He doesnt move. So what about all those 2 ams? You saying I shouldda stayed away? I was there for you cause I thought you were lonely.

Running a 7-Eleven in the wee hours is lonely work. Thought youd appreciate some company. You wake up 1 am munchies. Show up at my counter at 2.

You think everyone works an angle. I been a lot of places, seen a lot of stuff. One thing I know. Karmas gonna get you. Bad thoughts about other people will rebound unto yourself.

Thats straight outta Buddha. Dont curse me, Marty. Theres nothing in the bag. Then I guess you wont mind holding it out front, turning it upside down and shaking it out.

See, when you try to fool Ole Marty, you open a big ole can of corn. Yessiree, theres something of value out here. I can smell it. Youre right. So what is it? Bundle of twenties?

Gotta be cash. Safe blew up. Big roll of Franklins missing in action. Hundred dollar bills. Or I might have to report this.

Friends dont cut friends out. Friends share the wealth. On the one hand, theres an explosion. Maybe a threat to the planet. And then theres your suspicious post-explosion activity.

Or maybe its just an unfortunate event. But here you are, Abduls Girl Friday. And youre not here for your health. You know something. See, I can put B and C together and get D.

D as in deal. So now, friend, whats the deal? Youre nuts. Look at you. Trying to rip Abdul off. You dont want him knowing. You dont want me telling the Feds and them talking to Abdul.

Havent you been reading the paper? Those Muslimsll cut your head off for looking at them crosseyed. Just give me half. Hey, come on.

You know what? Finally All right. You win. She takes the pouch and empties it. A plop sound is heard. He turns his back, looks over his shoulder Jiminy Holy Cow Crickets! Looks again.

Stamps his foot Thats a hand! Thats a human hand you got there! But what about the cash? Wheres my half? Now give. Puts hand back in pouch.

Stands Remember you promised. Youre keeping this a secret. What about the cops? Which is true most of the time. So uh. So is it?

You better not be scared. Youre not scared. Are you? Abduls had a lot on. Shes Pentecostal. Hes serious about her. Hes been going to prayer meetings.

Dry it. You cant wear his uncles hand off your belt. The old guy with the snuff and the tin can and the shawl? You say Tomorrow, but tomorrow the piles even higher? It was Friday around six.

Uncle Abdulla was sitting there spitting tobacco into a can. The Mexicans were cashing paychecks and buying beer. I saw Uncle Abdulla wasnt moving but I couldnt do anything. I was alone.

The line was out the door. Abdul never works Fridays and Alice went home sick. So Abdul comes in at midnight to count cash and I tell him his uncle hasnt moved in four hours.

So he puts a hand in front of the old guys mouth, shakes his head, drags him in the freezer and says, Ill take care of it tomorrow. Next day was Saturday which was the opening of trout season.

All these guys were in and out buying beer and ice. The beer and ice trucks were coming and going. So Abdul just wraps uncle in plastic and pushes him behind the ice cream. It was wrapped in plastic, okay?

Abdul kind of forgot about it. Out of sight, out of mind. Sometimes Id get the willies late at night and Id mention it to him. And hed say, Yeah yeah. Reflecting on it now, I dont think Abdul and his uncle were all that close.

Abdul would say, Hes in Detroit. Abdul likes Detroit. So whenever she called and it was me whod answer, Id say, Hes in Detroit. And shed say, Okay. Detroit was okay.

For a while. But lately, thereve been a lot of phone calls. Different people. They wouldnt talk to me. They wanted Abdul or nobody. But Abdul wasnt taking phone calls anymore.

Oh geez. Early morning. Said he had a funeral arranged. So we put the body in the car. Think Im a funeral director? Anyway, I didnt ask.

Glad it was gone. Dead body behind the ice cream? Giving me the heebeejeebies. Later, Abdul calls. All agitated. Says the hands missing.

Im thinking, it mustve snapped off while we were lugging Uncle Abdulla to the car. Frozen solid. Itll snap right off. I read about a man in a cabin in Canada in a blizzard. He went outside to take a leak and.

I told him Id look. And hes screaming, Hurry! And I said, Okay okay! Except, Id been snacking on hotdogs and chili all night. I know what you mean.

Eleven bathroom seems fine to me. You hit And man The Uncle Abdulla could never the mark. He was a sprayer. All over the place. Bathrooms immaculate. You could eat a whopper off the tile, its that clean.

So I posted the Back in 15 minutes sign, went over there with the new Cosmo. I took a flashlight so I could hunt for the hand coming back.

Im sitting there reading about Barbara Walters interviewing Paris Hilton when suddenly. Cops and firemen on the scene all night and all the next day. First chance I got to look for it was today.

Abduls the best. He wouldnt hurt me. Hes given me three raises in the last two years. On the one hand, you got this nice guy who gives you raises.

On the other hand, you got a man who tosses his uncles body into the freezer without as much as a how do you do. You know, a funny thing? Pentecostals take Christmas real serious.

I surely do like that concept. Too bad. He gonna rebuild? What he is doing is learning Spanish. Imagine they do. I heard him rip off influential and ornithologist like a spelling bee champ.

The mans in love. When youre in love, you already got one foot halfway out the door. Then Ever read of the pioneers? Folks who settled the west?

Theyd stop somewhere, work a piece of land. Then someone would come by on their way further out. And theyd get all antsy and move on.

I guess they were scared theyd miss out. Theres that scared word. Scared balances out. Theres Alaska. Its all settled. No notes. But just saying Abduls still around and he comes back and doesnt see me.

He might get worried. I like to play a dollar a day. They got oil money falling off the trees. Odds are easy.

How about we play five dollars a day? How about, while were driving up, we think up new names? There was a girl at school and her name was Claudia.

I like Claudia. He starts to exit. He turns and beckons. Five days of hard driving, well be there. Should take a day or two to find work.

Then itll be like any other year for you. Working at Christmas. And you know what itll say on your name tag? Hi, Im Claudia. Merry Christmas. She takes the pouch and slings it as far as she can.

Fade to black End. And it isn't long before no one has the Christmas spirit. Big smile. A stopwatch in her hand. She counts silently, 1, 2, 3.

Presses stopwatch Hi everyone! Gosh, you all look great. What a great, great audience. Hey, its almost Christmas, isnt it?

Everybody got their Christmas list written? Ready to hit the malls? Well, guess what? Im not. Fact is, holiday shopping torques me off bigtime.

Not worth the aggravation. This year I decided to quit. Im gonna sit this puppy out. Im gonna get me a case of Southern Comfort and drink myself under the table.

Hey, its not the gifts I got a problem with. Its the people. Theyre all so selfabsorbed, so touchy, so sensitive.

Anything sets them off. My advice is, dont buy em anything. Anything you buy em, theyre gonna hate it anyway. Theyre gonna ask you for the receipt so they can take it back. Time was you could give them anything and it was fine.

People were pleased as punch just to be on anyones Christmas list at all. It was an honor. A mark of distinction. Back then giving was emphasized. It was a less material age. You could giftwrap, say, a dried cow turd and put it under the tree and you would get a thank you.

Months later, theyd still be talking about it. Did I forget to thank you for the lovely Christmas turd? It was so thoughtful of you. William and I found so many uses for it.

And we told all our friends. Those days will never come back. But you know, say what you will about Christmas, theres always the Christmas tree.

And, girls, did you know, a Christmas tree is better than a man? Its true. I hear you saying, how can that be? Well, let me count the ways. First, a Christmas tree is always erect. Second, a Christmas tree looks good even with the lights on.

It stays up for twelve days and twelve nights. And, it has cute balls. Thank you so very much. Youre a beautiful audience.

Thank you. Presses stopwatch button Hmmm, not bad. Needs more work on the timing. Timing is everything. What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? Give up?

Ornamental balls! Whos there? Come out and show yourself! For your information, I am armed. To the teeth. So beware! Im a Miss Sondra Sweet. Dont say dump. Soso je ne sais Im I.

Well, thank you. I got this prop guru named Wendell. He comes in once a week to help set up the stage. Hes got lots of props. Whole mess of props.

Works for beer and pussy. Thats a joke. Hey, you got a name, Sweetie? Im Laura Love? Presbyterian Repertory? With the. Im Duane Champagne. Oh now now.

He's been Scrooge before. No kidding? Hey, Duane! How many times you been Scrooge? Hey Duane! You like a kiss after you been Scrooge?

Heyyyy, just kidding, Duane, OK? You know, I do comedy. I do standup. Really now? Its all. I get so many requests. I finally put my foot down. These days I only do intimate venues for discriminating audiences.

Many call, but few are chosen. I dont read it. You know, hooey. You can use half the stage. I said I had other things going on.

I was very up front. The reason Im doing this at all is as a personal favor to Michael. And hey, because its Christmas. Im rehearsing my Christmas bit. Im using stage right. Timing is everything in comedy.

I hone my bits until they are letter perfect. Ill have you know my Christmas bits are legendary. By the way, do you have the fifty dollars?

Right now. I charge twenty five per. I told Michael. Twenty five per is industry standard. On the low end, actually. And I said cash.

Cash on the barrel. Up front. You can owe me the other twenty eight. Stage left is all yours. For two hours.

And dont touch the microphone. Now I gotta go do something. Be back in a sec. When Tim can't think of a Christmas gift to get his high-maintenance girlfriend, he's visited by four terrifying spirits actually five Christmas traditions are turned on their heads in this hilariously charming series of four short plays.

In Clausarella, the reluctant heir to Meet the Nowaks of Buffalo, NY. Clara and her three grown kids have always known they were special, ever since the miraculous night in when Christmas: a time for magic.

A time for the traditions we cherish. A time to watch as many original TV movies as a human being can possibly This heartwarming romantic comedy, narrated by a group of Christmas carolers, tells the story of Della and Jim, who are desperately in love with This new adaptation of the play that inspired several movies is a warm, gentle comedy that follows the tangled tale of Parfumerie employee George After a blizzard shuts down the roads on Christmas Eve eve, a motley crew of travelers find themselves stranded at the local community center Based on the beloved film, this musical faithfully follows George Bailey's life from his childhood dreams to his midlife disappointments and Comedy Drama.

One-Act Full-Length. More Filters. Musicals Only. Clear All Show Results. Here are your Results!

funny christmas play scripts pdf

Bad thoughts about other people will rebound unto yourself. Thats straight outta Buddha. Dont curse me, Marty. Theres nothing in the bag. Then I guess you wont mind holding it out front, turning it upside down and shaking it out.

See, when you try to fool Ole Marty, you open a big ole can of corn. Yessiree, theres something of value out here.

I can smell it. Youre right. So what is it? Bundle of twenties? Gotta be cash. Safe blew up. Big roll of Franklins missing in action. Hundred dollar bills. Or I might have to report this. Friends dont cut friends out.

Friends share the wealth. On the one hand, theres an explosion. Maybe a threat to the planet. And then theres your suspicious post-explosion activity. Or maybe its just an unfortunate event.

But here you are, Abduls Girl Friday. And youre not here for your health. You know something. See, I can put B and C together and get D. D as in deal. So now, friend, whats the deal?

Youre nuts. Look at you. Trying to rip Abdul off. You dont want him knowing. You dont want me telling the Feds and them talking to Abdul. Havent you been reading the paper?

Those Muslimsll cut your head off for looking at them crosseyed. Just give me half. Hey, come on. You know what? Finally All right.

You win. She takes the pouch and empties it. A plop sound is heard. He turns his back, looks over his shoulder Jiminy Holy Cow Crickets! Looks again. Stamps his foot Thats a hand! Thats a human hand you got there!

But what about the cash? Wheres my half? Now give. Puts hand back in pouch. Stands Remember you promised. Youre keeping this a secret. What about the cops?

Which is true most of the time. So uh. So is it? You better not be scared. Youre not scared. Are you? Abduls had a lot on. Shes Pentecostal. Hes serious about her. Hes been going to prayer meetings.

Dry it. You cant wear his uncles hand off your belt. The old guy with the snuff and the tin can and the shawl? You say Tomorrow, but tomorrow the piles even higher?

It was Friday around six. Uncle Abdulla was sitting there spitting tobacco into a can. The Mexicans were cashing paychecks and buying beer.

I saw Uncle Abdulla wasnt moving but I couldnt do anything. I was alone. The line was out the door. Abdul never works Fridays and Alice went home sick.

So Abdul comes in at midnight to count cash and I tell him his uncle hasnt moved in four hours. So he puts a hand in front of the old guys mouth, shakes his head, drags him in the freezer and says, Ill take care of it tomorrow.

Next day was Saturday which was the opening of trout season. All these guys were in and out buying beer and ice.

The beer and ice trucks were coming and going. So Abdul just wraps uncle in plastic and pushes him behind the ice cream. It was wrapped in plastic, okay? Abdul kind of forgot about it.

Out of sight, out of mind. Sometimes Id get the willies late at night and Id mention it to him. And hed say, Yeah yeah. Reflecting on it now, I dont think Abdul and his uncle were all that close.

Abdul would say, Hes in Detroit. Abdul likes Detroit. So whenever she called and it was me whod answer, Id say, Hes in Detroit. And shed say, Okay.

Detroit was okay. For a while. But lately, thereve been a lot of phone calls. Different people. They wouldnt talk to me. They wanted Abdul or nobody. But Abdul wasnt taking phone calls anymore.

Oh geez. Early morning. Said he had a funeral arranged. So we put the body in the car. Think Im a funeral director? Anyway, I didnt ask. Glad it was gone. Dead body behind the ice cream?

Giving me the heebeejeebies. Later, Abdul calls. All agitated. Says the hands missing. Im thinking, it mustve snapped off while we were lugging Uncle Abdulla to the car.

Frozen solid. Itll snap right off. I read about a man in a cabin in Canada in a blizzard. He went outside to take a leak and.

I told him Id look. And hes screaming, Hurry! And I said, Okay okay! Except, Id been snacking on hotdogs and chili all night. I know what you mean. Eleven bathroom seems fine to me. You hit And man The Uncle Abdulla could never the mark.

He was a sprayer. All over the place. Bathrooms immaculate. You could eat a whopper off the tile, its that clean. So I posted the Back in 15 minutes sign, went over there with the new Cosmo.

I took a flashlight so I could hunt for the hand coming back. Im sitting there reading about Barbara Walters interviewing Paris Hilton when suddenly.

Cops and firemen on the scene all night and all the next day. First chance I got to look for it was today.

Abduls the best. He wouldnt hurt me. Hes given me three raises in the last two years. On the one hand, you got this nice guy who gives you raises.

On the other hand, you got a man who tosses his uncles body into the freezer without as much as a how do you do. You know, a funny thing? Pentecostals take Christmas real serious. I surely do like that concept.

Too bad. He gonna rebuild? What he is doing is learning Spanish. Imagine they do. I heard him rip off influential and ornithologist like a spelling bee champ.

The mans in love. When youre in love, you already got one foot halfway out the door. Then Ever read of the pioneers? Folks who settled the west?

Theyd stop somewhere, work a piece of land. Then someone would come by on their way further out. And theyd get all antsy and move on. I guess they were scared theyd miss out.

Theres that scared word. Scared balances out. Theres Alaska. Its all settled. No notes. But just saying Abduls still around and he comes back and doesnt see me. He might get worried.

I like to play a dollar a day. They got oil money falling off the trees. Odds are easy. How about we play five dollars a day? How about, while were driving up, we think up new names? There was a girl at school and her name was Claudia.

I like Claudia. He starts to exit. He turns and beckons. Five days of hard driving, well be there. Should take a day or two to find work. Then itll be like any other year for you.

Working at Christmas. And you know what itll say on your name tag? Hi, Im Claudia. Merry Christmas. She takes the pouch and slings it as far as she can.

Fade to black End. And it isn't long before no one has the Christmas spirit. Big smile. A stopwatch in her hand. She counts silently, 1, 2, 3. Presses stopwatch Hi everyone! Gosh, you all look great.

What a great, great audience. Hey, its almost Christmas, isnt it? Everybody got their Christmas list written? Ready to hit the malls? Well, guess what? Im not. Fact is, holiday shopping torques me off bigtime.

Not worth the aggravation. This year I decided to quit. Im gonna sit this puppy out. Im gonna get me a case of Southern Comfort and drink myself under the table.

Hey, its not the gifts I got a problem with. Its the people. Theyre all so selfabsorbed, so touchy, so sensitive. Anything sets them off.

My advice is, dont buy em anything. Anything you buy em, theyre gonna hate it anyway. Theyre gonna ask you for the receipt so they can take it back. Time was you could give them anything and it was fine.

People were pleased as punch just to be on anyones Christmas list at all. It was an honor. A mark of distinction. Back then giving was emphasized.

It was a less material age. You could giftwrap, say, a dried cow turd and put it under the tree and you would get a thank you. Months later, theyd still be talking about it. Did I forget to thank you for the lovely Christmas turd?

It was so thoughtful of you. William and I found so many uses for it. And we told all our friends. Those days will never come back. But you know, say what you will about Christmas, theres always the Christmas tree.

And, girls, did you know, a Christmas tree is better than a man? Its true. I hear you saying, how can that be? Well, let me count the ways. First, a Christmas tree is always erect.

Second, a Christmas tree looks good even with the lights on. It stays up for twelve days and twelve nights. And, it has cute balls. Thank you so very much. Youre a beautiful audience.

Thank you. Presses stopwatch button Hmmm, not bad. Needs more work on the timing. Timing is everything. What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?

Give up? Ornamental balls! Whos there? Come out and show yourself! For your information, I am armed. To the teeth. So beware! Im a Miss Sondra Sweet. Dont say dump. Soso je ne sais Im I.

Well, thank you. I got this prop guru named Wendell. He comes in once a week to help set up the stage. Hes got lots of props. Whole mess of props. Works for beer and pussy.

Thats a joke. Hey, you got a name, Sweetie? Im Laura Love? Presbyterian Repertory? With the. Im Duane Champagne. Oh now now. He's been Scrooge before. No kidding? Hey, Duane! How many times you been Scrooge?

Hey Duane! You like a kiss after you been Scrooge? Heyyyy, just kidding, Duane, OK? You know, I do comedy. I do standup. Really now? Its all. I get so many requests. I finally put my foot down.

These days I only do intimate venues for discriminating audiences. Many call, but few are chosen. I dont read it. You know, hooey.

You can use half the stage. I said I had other things going on. I was very up front. The reason Im doing this at all is as a personal favor to Michael.

And hey, because its Christmas. Im rehearsing my Christmas bit. Im using stage right. Timing is everything in comedy. I hone my bits until they are letter perfect. Ill have you know my Christmas bits are legendary.

By the way, do you have the fifty dollars? Right now. I charge twenty five per. I told Michael. Twenty five per is industry standard. On the low end, actually. And I said cash. Cash on the barrel.

Up front. You can owe me the other twenty eight. Stage left is all yours. For two hours. And dont touch the microphone. Now I gotta go do something.

Be back in a sec. Half the stage. Shes not even using it. Ill bet she drinks. And this. This is so undignified! Hey, dont mind me. Page We start with the scene in the Cratchit house.

The Cratchit family is celebrating Christmas. The Ghost of Christmas Present has brought you here to show you the true meaning of Christmas.

Im ready. Tiny Tim: God bless us every one! And a crutch without an owner. If these shadows remain unaltered by the future, the child will die. Say he will be spared.

What then? If he be like to die, he had better do it quick. As the Ghost speaks those words, you are visibly overcome with grief and penitence. Then we go to blackout.

The first time you express compassion. Its a pregnant moment. But I wouldnt put a blackout there. I would have a very tight light on me pondering and reflecting.

I'll think about it. The third ghost has come and gone. You feel wonderful. Filled with Christmas joy.

Your only fear is that you may have missed Christmas. You throw open the window. You see a small boy in the street below. I dont know how long Ive been among the Spirits.

I dont know anything. Hello there, young man! Whats today? Its Christmas! I havent missed it. The Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like.

Of course they can. Here, my fine young fellow! Here is a shilling for you! Merry Christmas to you! Merry Christmas to everybody!

You need to punch those words. Youre on a total Christmas high. Youve gone through a major personality transformation. Suddenly, you love all mankind.

You want to explode with love. Give me an explosion. This is the way Ive done it for years. I need more love. Christmas cheer. Punch the words. She said I sucked!

Ms Sweet. Excuse me. Duane does not suck. Plain as day on your face. You too? Stop it. Is that what you think? The truth finally comes out!

And Duane does. Duane is leaving! You are a horrible, horrible woman! I hope you choke on your turkey. I hope Santa gives you a big lump of coal. Carries it in her hand. Goes to microphone Hey, girls.

Christmas is just around the corner. I got a great gift idea for that man in your life. Buying gifts for a man is so easy. Remember this. You cant go wrong with a cordless drill. Doesnt matter if he already has one.

One guy I know has seventeen. A man can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. She puts hat on Andyou knowwhat with all the gift-giving and parties, isnt it true we sometimes forget about the true meaning of Christmas.

Peace on earth? Giving to the less fortunate? Birth of Jesus? Removes hat. Gives it a strange look Naaaahhhhh. Speaking of Jesus. Three wise men arrive to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was kinda tall, bumped his head going through the low doorway. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary. It sure beats Clyde! Thank you very much.

Youre all beautiful. I love you. Synopsis: Think of George and Martha from Albee's "Virgina Woolf" and you'll have a fair idea of the yuletide lunacy in this short play.

At rise: 9am. Inside costume shop. Sound of door opening, closing. Lights on. Oh God! Oh God, that hurts!

Crouches holding her shin Oh God oh God ow ow ow ow ow ow it hurts! And a partridge in a pear tree. He doesnt care. I tell you, he does not care.

Takes knife from prop display, holds it to throat. She is surprisingly spry despite her injury Santas elves could be raping me right here with a knife to my throat and he would not care.

Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear treeeeeeeeee. I see youve switched to your distressed damsel mode. And for once with something besides a drink in your hand.

Sol, please. Look at me. The I hurt my leg, Solomon, youll have to press on without me bit. Where have I heard that before? Wasnt it last Christmas?

Why yes, I believe it was. And back it is again just in time for the Nutcracker fittings. Yes, yes Clarissa. Im looking. It really hurts. This time, its for real.

My poor leg. Youre not looking. He never looks. Girls from respectable families say shin. The cast of the Nutcracker will be here today for their costume fittings.

And there you are, doing your shin thing again. Leaving me to deal alone with a pack of smelly pimply thespians. I tell you, Id rather die.

In fact, Id kill Grabs sword from prop display, blade to throat, declaims myself, except for the dread of something after death, the undiscover'd country from whose bourn no traveller returns CLARISSA returns knife to prop display, limps to whiskey bottle, exaggerating her injury, pours a drink Sol, please.

Were a team. Which you customarily save for the third drink of the morn. Always when theres serious work to be done.

Im delicate, dearest. She didnt say you were a fragile flower crying out for lebensraum in a garden of stinkweeds. There you go again. Dripping with bile. A truce. May I. It would mean no whining.

It would mean no sarcasm. No shirking or slacking. They shake hands. Lights out. Time passes. Lights up.

Fabric hangs loosely from him as they fiddle with needles, pins, scissors and thread Lovely fabric, my pet. So kind of you to notice. Incredible demand on her time.

She has several patents pending sure to blow the lid off the masquerade ball as we know it. Consider yourself fortunate she could see you at all. Im just a simple seamstress. I belong to the Guild.

I read the monthly bulletin. Nuff said. Disappointed Indeed. Then Hmmmmm. Ah, Clarissa dear, may I make a small observation?

Of course, Solomon. In my view, I think you may have cut the fabric a bit too narrow. Look at the head, dearest.

Very well. I shall. But I do believe Ive discovered the trouble spot in a different sphere. Well, Im all of a-twitter.

Excuse me! What am I? Not to put too fine a point on it, but it was cut rather too perfectly. The issue is - Oh my yes. Like a cabbage. I was a very happy child. I agree.

I had. You people are insane! An absolute no-hoper. A dud. Oh, losses it will be! Lunch, my dear? This isnt the end of this!

Solomon, you are the genius. And theyre wrong, I was a happy child. My parents loved me. Especially my mum. And my grandparents loved me too. At Christmas, they gave me wonderful gifts.

Mummys parents gave me bigger gifts than my daddys parents. And Id say, daddy, why do Mummys dad and mom give me bigger gifts? And daddy would get angry and make Mummy sleep in the garage and then hed go and get his rifle and kill squirrels and I would hide in the doghouse with Ruff until the police came.

Turns to exit. Fabric falls again exposing part of his bare buttocks Oh, for Gods sake! My boyfriend Siegfried really digs corsets. He likes stilettos too. But the director said no stils in Nutcracker.

The bitch! Are you quite certain its the corset, Clarissa? URSULA gives him a not unfriendly glance, moving her breast close to his hand gathered sleeves were the signifying mark of the Victorian era.

I think not. Somebody with really big. Youre joking, of course. Stand still, please. As the fabric covering her body starts fall away, she uses her hands to hold it up Shes crazy.

Shes trying to kill me! Make that bitch stop. When I cut her arms off at the shoulder. Rather enjoying it Ladies! Ladies, please! She reaches her hand out to it.

The Charles Dickens holiday classic comes to life as a live s radio broadcast, complete with vintage commercials for fruitcake extra-fancy , When Tim can't think of a Christmas gift to get his high-maintenance girlfriend, he's visited by four terrifying spirits actually five Christmas traditions are turned on their heads in this hilariously charming series of four short plays.

In Clausarella, the reluctant heir to Meet the Nowaks of Buffalo, NY. Clara and her three grown kids have always known they were special, ever since the miraculous night in when Christmas: a time for magic.

A time for the traditions we cherish. A time to watch as many original TV movies as a human being can possibly This heartwarming romantic comedy, narrated by a group of Christmas carolers, tells the story of Della and Jim, who are desperately in love with This new adaptation of the play that inspired several movies is a warm, gentle comedy that follows the tangled tale of Parfumerie employee George After a blizzard shuts down the roads on Christmas Eve eve, a motley crew of travelers find themselves stranded at the local community center Based on the beloved film, this musical faithfully follows George Bailey's life from his childhood dreams to his midlife disappointments and Comedy Drama.

One-Act Full-Length. More Filters. Musicals Only. Clear All Show Results.

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A major for Dixie comedy about running for mayor. Need a play for boys and 2 girls grades Prep — 9 about war, poor people or the great depression. February 15, at pm Reply. Performing funny Christmas skits are always a big hit at holiday parties at churches, family gatherings and other Christmas celebrations. Skip to content. Frank September 14, at am Reply. December 30, at am Reply.

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Thirty Deep — American one act comedy about a taxidermist and funny christmas play scripts pdf unusual request. Visit web page and Zindy travel to Earth to discover all about the Chinese New Year indoor dog play area ideas this will give them some good ideas. Murder and other fun things — off the wall whodunit. Learn how your comment data is processed. The basic premise is the enlarging machine will take regular items in and then spit out very large items. May 16, at pm Reply. This site is completely awesome. Premiered at The Cleveland PlayHouse,

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March 20, at pm Reply. Kidsinco Funny christmas play scripts pdf 14, at am Reply. Ldf Vyas September 20, funny christmas play scripts pdf pm Reply. Justin Cash December 19, at pm Reply. Jai February 8, at am Reply. I would like to find some for both Junior and Senior School students. Wilson — one act duologue for 1M 1F. After Ever After — a fairytale musical for schools.

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